A Trip Through Twilight and the Rings
by TheAdventuresJustBeginning
Summary: Once upon a time, a foggy November morning two girls get extremely bored.We all know boredom does things to you.Here's the result:talking worms, declarations in elfish, broken piano's, and gravity defying hockey sticks. Crossover with LOTR most of the time spent in Twilight though.
1. Introduction

Introduction

On a cold fogy November morning Mrs. Essick's homeroom class sat quietly at their desks. This is how most mornings went in the class, silence while everyone was working on work for other classes or just reading.

Just then there was a torrent of laughter from the table next to Mrs. Essick's desk.

"Anya! Adrian! Be quiet." Mrs. Essick warned us. I tried, I honestly did. Mrs. Essick was my favourite teacher and I didn't want to disobey her, but it was hard to be quiet when you were in the middle of writing something so funny.

"Sorry Mrs. Essick," I apologized. We continued to laugh.

"I'll take that journal away and give you both marks!" she threatened.

That shut us up.

I snatched up my journal which had the contents of my "Mass Novel" in it and the funny thing, and moved my assignment book safely out of reach of Mrs. Essick. I looked down at the journal that was now resting on my lap and choked back another giggle.

On the outside it appeared normal. It said "My Notes" in swirly script on the cover—though I never took notes in it—and was pink with a flower on the front in some sort of gel-like substance—though I despised all things very girly. I guess the only reason this journal came in my possession was the fact that it was collaged ruled…or my grandmother gave it to me…either way. Anywho, the inside was anything but ordinary, it was full of seemingly useless name and sketches, biographies and scraps of dialogue. Oh, and the funny thing.

The words were very messed up, scrambled all over the page in no conceivable order. I've done my best to translate but no promises.

Adrian: Me and Chelsea were reading Breaking Dawn together and we were cracking up!

Anya: Did you notice that in the movie Fellowship of the ring Elrond was thinning?

Adrian: *pause* OH YEAH!

Anya: I was listening to Eclipse and cracking up when Bella and Charlie were having "The Talk".

Adrian: LOL!

Anya: How can an Elf be thinning?

Adrian: I dunno. They're not supposed to age. *thinking face*

Anya: Legolas ROCKS!

Adrian: CORSE HE DOSE! (later) Adrian: I'm quoting Gimli all the time.

Anya: "Shall I find a box?"

Adrian: The almost-honey-lilac-and-sun-flavoured scent of EDWARD CULLEN!

Anya: When Jake kisses Bella I wanted to pound him to PULP!

Adrian: *writes from Edward's perspective* Edward: "I felt the same way…"

I almost laughed again re-reading it, but somehow- miraculously –I managed to hold it in.

Anya tapped my desk with her pencil. "Wouldn't it be horrible if any of them found this?"

I thought a moment and then nodded. I wrote on the page:

Adrian: But we'd probably give it to them anyway.

I pushed it across the table to Anya who looked at it thoughtfully for a moment. She then picked up her orange-green-_and-yellow_ (currently she is reading over my shoulder and demanded I add the 'and yellow'. She just hit me, back to the story.) striped pencil and wrote something upside down and diagonally on the page. After reading it once more for her own approval she pushed it back to me.

I looked at it. There smushed between 'almost-honey-lilac-and-sun-flavoured sent of EDWARD CULLEN!' and 'Did you notice that in the movie Fellowship of the Ring Elrond was thinning?' Anya had scrawled in her worse-than-normal handwriting:

Anya: They'd be like "What the heck?"

I laughed, but managed, somehow, to turn it into a sick kinda, cough/throwing-up sound.

"Are you okay Adrian?" asked Mrs. Essick.

I looked at her, "Fine, fine…."

Anya rolled her eyes. "Don't get sick now Adrian." She warned jokingly.

"Shove it," I whispered to her.

She laughed silently; the only indication of her amusement the up/down motion of her shoulders.

There was a knock at the door.

Mrs. Essick looked up from the papers she was in the middle of grading to see her first period class standing outside the door of the classroom. They were waving and smiling, and generally acting like they'd been there for a while. "Oops!" she exclaimed.

It had been so quiet, everyone so wrapped up in there own thing, we'd failed to notice all of the other teachers were having their students switch classes for first period already. As Mrs. Essick said "oops".

"Time to switch!" called Mrs. Essick. "Alana would you let them in?" She turned to us. "We were so quiet I forgot about first period. Ah, I wish we could just stay in homeroom and not have to teach classes today…." Mrs. Essick trailed off dreamily.

I smiled. "I'd love that too," I replied.

"Heck, I think everybody would love it!" Anya exclaimed.

I nodded in utter agreement, "Uh-huh." A whole day of just homeroom and no class work, and/or homework… SIGN ME UP! What is better than that?

I gathered up my binder, science journals, "Mass Novel" snippets, my SSR (Silent Sustained Reading) books (yes book_s_ plural, I have many), and assignment book—which was really just a green folder stuffed chock-full of work and other junk—and headed for the door.

Anya was already seated at her other desk in the classroom where she sat for Pre-AP Math. I dipped down and said to her: "You know I'd actually love to see the faces of those guys if they read this. But still…" I trailed off.

Anya nodded in understanding.

As I was getting ready to walk out of the room a small breeze started to pick up. Curiously, Anya and I turned towards the window to see if maybe one of us had left it open, only to see it shut and locked firmly.

We exchanged a glance, which here for all intents-and-purposes will only, for the sake of virgin ears, be described as what, the, heck?

Slowly the storm began to pick up, spinning faster and faster, and faster, until finally _**CRACK!**_There was the huge noise of displacing air, and what sounded suspiciously like a rip. All of a sudden, there was no window, only a giant swirling _Vortex_ of black and purple and pink.

I gasped, as something seemed to wash over me and promptly I dropped my things; all except the journal that held the Lord of the Rings and Twilight comments.

Anya gripped her pencil tightly in one hand.

I slipped the pen I'd written with into the spiral on that held the notebook together.

There are no words to describe what happened next. All I could do was stare at this marvel of magic.

My orange hair whipped around my face, just as Anya's black hair whipped around hers.

Then we were gone.

Taryn, who had not gone on to her other class yet, picked up one of my books that lay on the floor beside her.

"Where'd Anya and Adrian go?"


	2. Rivendell

_A/N: Just a quick author's note. I understand that this is in fact a crossover story. But becuse I am a desperate author in want of some more traffic I've moved it here where I believe I'll get more readers. I know I'm shameless, and because I am shameless (well, right now anyways) I'm going to beg for some reviews. Flames, constructive critisim, hate it, like it, did I misspell something? Anything, just hit that review button because it'll make me happy. This will probably be the last time I do this (I don't like to push anyone into reviewing) but I believe this is a good story (curse thee mine ego) so...yeah._

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><p>Chapter One: Rivendell<p>

If you'd just been sucked into a swirling vortex of terror, you'd be screaming your head off the whole time. Now then again you've never met either me or Anya, and if you have met one of us, I can tell you you've never seen us together (Well, unless of course you _have_ seen us together, in which case you don't apply here, but for all intents and purposes let's pretend you don't know us).

Inside the vortex it was quiet. I reached out for the wall and tried to touch it. It felt like silk and seemed to run through my fingers.

"Anya, touch it."

She did. She took her hand away and paused. Anya brought her hand back and brought the side of her fist onto the side of the wall. "OUCH!" she cried. "It's as hard as Edward Cullen!"

Suddenly there was the light weight feeling of acceleration as we picked up speed. I could literally _smell_ the suspension build up before BAM! Suddenly the pink and purple and black walls melted away and we could see…everything.

"Whoa," I whispered.

"Ah-wow…" Anya stammered.

There surrounding us were billions of stars. They shimmered against the blackness of space. It was exactly how you would imagine looking out the window of a space station. Galaxies, star clusters, nebulas, planets, anything you could think of was right there separated by only a thin film of clear as glass wall.

Then SMACK! we landed face first on hard cobblestones. No warning just abracadabra we were there. Where I wasn't too sure. We were just there.

"That was awesome!" Anya said.

"Felt awesome," I groaned sitting up. I heard my back pop, "Erm! That's gonna hurt in the mornin'." I did a quick check. Hands, arms, legs, torso, I was alright.

"Who are you?" demanded a voice.

We were still seated but we turned to look behind us. I can't say I liked what I saw.

The tip of a battle axe was right at the bridge of my nose so close that I went cross-eyed trying to keep looking at it. Better yet (note sarcasm) guess who our axe wielder of justice was! Gimli. Gimli son of Gloin, the dwarf from Lord of the Rings. We were in Rivendell. Oh. My. God.

My mouth was wide open, "catching flies" as some people would say.

"Are you spies from Mordor?" Gimli demanded.

My mouth snapped shut and I said, "If we were spies then why would we land _right in front of you_?"

Well he didn't have anything to say to that. My point proven, I rolled my eyes, pushed his axe away, and then proceeded to help Anya off the stone floor.

Standing under one of the archways that lead to the balcony was Gandalf the Grey. He was gripping his staff with both hands and leaning against it staring at the both of us intently; his big bushy eyebrows were furrowed in concentration, as if trying to do some wizard voodoo on us. "Well, then if you're not spies who are you?" he challenged.

"We are people who got sucked-" Anya trailed off and her eyes abruptly bugged out of her head. Her finger flew forward as she cried, "Oh! Crap! Adrian! ELROND!"

I gave a very unimpressive, very girly, _very _undignified squeak and followed Anya's pointing finger. Sure enough, crawling up the stairs Frodo trailing behind them, were Legolas [insert fangirl scream], and Elrond [insert round of hair growth jokes].

I clutched the pink journal to my chest protectively and backed up a step. "On second thought, I'd rather not have them see this!"

Frodo looked back and forth between us and Gandalf confusedly. He raised an eyebrow and his look seemed to say _what the heck are two girls in such weird clothing doing here_? I was almost convinced he would say something along those lines when he opened his mouth but instead all that came out was, "What dose 'crap' mean?"

Anya ignored Elrond just long enough to say, "Frodo go away nobody likes you."

"Anya! GO LONG!" I cried, and threw the book at her.

("We interrupt this program for a special news breaking announcement. Two girls have just gone missing in the town of –" Anya: *shuts off TV* Oh be quiet. Sorry. Adrian: Er…ON WITH THE STORY *points sword at sky*)

Anya began to run backwards her arms high over her head in the air ready to catch it.

She almost had it but then…

…she tripped over Gimli.

"ARGH!" Gimli cried as he toppled over his feet flying over his head.

"WAH!" Anya yelled as she fell to the stone floor.

The Book flew through the air toward Legolas and Elrond.

It seemed like slow motion as we watched. Even the sound of Anya and I shouting

"!" at the

top of our lungs seemed slower than it should have been.

The Book got closer to them…

…and closer…

…and closer…

…and closer…

…and even closer…

…and even closer than closer…

…and then even closer than closer closer….

…then so agonizingly close that I thought my heart would just explode from suspension…

…and…

…and…

…and…

…and…

… Legolas caught it.

He was stunned for a second before he got enough sense to look down at the page. "Cool I rock! Who the heck is Edward Cullen?"

"Legolas of course you rock, now can we have that back?" Anya asked hurriedly. It was of vital importance that we got that book back before Elrond read it. I _so _did not want to face the wrath of a thinning elf on top of everything _else_ I was going through today.

I was momentarily distracted by Gimli who was standing right beside me. I looked down on him and he looked up at me.

"Yes?" he asked in his gruff voice.

"Oh, nothing. You're just shorter in person. And a lot shorter than I expected." I

turned my attention back to the pressing matter at hand.

"I'm not _that_ short," I heard him grumble.

"Can we have that please?" Anya repeated holding out her hands expectantly.

"No, Legolas give it to me," Elrond commanded him. He took it from him anyway.

"!" Both Anya and I cried at the same time.

Elrond looked up from the Book. He glared at us and bellowed, "I! AM NOT! THINNING!"

Someone smite me now please!

"Uh… yes you are," Anya said in an incredibly small voice.

Legolas stepped in front of Elrond and looked at his head appraisingly. Legolas looked him in the eye and said, "Let's face it Elrond, you're thinning."

Anya looked down at the cobblestone balcony and asked herself, "How can an _elf_ be thinning?" She looked at Legolas. "I thought you guys kept your hair, like, forever. You're immortal for crying out loud!"

Legolas's eyes narrowed. "Yeah, I did too. I hope _I'm _not thinning!"

"Don't worry Legolas, you're not," I said waving my hand.

As if sensing our stress with a burst of displacing air the vortex opened up in front of Anya.

"Adrian! The vortex!" She turned to the others. "See ya'! Legolas you ROCK!"

With that she jumped into the vortex.

I ran forward, slid on my knees across the balcony, reached up and snatched the book from Elrond.

"I'll take that!" I announced.

And I slid on my knees through the portal.


	3. Piano's and Fruit Bars

_A/N: Figured I should at least put up a chapter that actually had something to do with Twilight. Anya and Adrian spend most of their time here anyway's. And for anyone who's wondering, yes Anya is a real person and Adrian is me, but Adrian is a me from sixth grade so we're pretty different from each other now._

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><p>Chapter Two: Piano's and Fruit Bars<p>

I was kinda getting used to the idea of a magical vortex that could pop out of nowhere at the most inconvenient times, following me and Anya around. You would to I betch'a. So now Anya and I were just sitting watching the stars, and running our hands over the wall occasionally exchanging arbitrary comments.

"It must've hurt sliding on you're knees on that hard cobblestone," Anya told me.

I shrugged and lifted my pant leg.

My knees were skinned up pretty bad. They were an angry pink, and a weensy bit bloody, but other than that there wasn't that much to say about my sliding experience. Other than it was heroic, cool, that I've been through worse… I know it sounds like I'm trying to paint myself as a hero. I'm not! I'm just stating what is true, and giving myself the praise that was rightfully mine.

Alright so I'm not the _most_ modest person in the world, but if I weren't modest I wouldn't be me, and if I weren't me than we wouldn't have a story…speaking of which…

Anya'd be getting some fame and glory too if she hadn't TRIPPED OVER GIMLI! I mean come on! Sliding on your knees and taking the Book from Elrond was much more heroic. I could just imagine myself standing akimbo with a flag flying in the wind behind—(Okay Anya just hit me again and yelled at me to get on with the story. Sorry, jeez.)

"It didn't hurt while I was actually doing the sliding, but now it kinda stings a bit." I shrugged again.

Anya nodded absent mindedly. "You know, Gimli's actually a pretty soft laaaaaaaaaaan…!" She was cut off by the vortex opening up again.

Not wanting to find out where we were gonna end up next we flipped over onto our stomachs clawing at nothing trying to pull ourselves up, the walls were still like silk but, unlike silk, it refused to gather.

Anya spun around on her stomach and fell out face first. I fell out at the same time my spine facing the floor.

_I'm dead for sure. _I thought.

There was the crack of wood under me and I saw nothing more after that.

Jasper, Carlisle, Emmett and Alice Cullen heard a scream coming from the direction of their house. The Cullen's exchanged a quizzical glance before Emmett ran on ahead.

"C'mon!" Emmett called back. The four Cullen's raced home in time to see a giant hole open up in the ceiling, and two girls fall out of it.

They hit the grand piano and crushed it to splinters. But they didn't stop there. They bounced off the debris and crashed through the side of the house that was all glass, leaving a large hole right there.

Carlisle and Jasper raced over to the two girls.

One of them—with orange hair—seemed to be passed out already, the other—with black hair—said "Ow," then fell unconscious.

Carlisle inspected them making sure they were still alive while the others stared at the wreckage scene.

"I'm not gonna be here when Edward gets home," Jasper said looking at Edward's piano.

"Didn't see that coming," Alice commented.

Everyone stopped what they were doing so they could stare at her.

"What?"

I woke up unable to move.

It felt as if my arms were lead, and my legs were just not there. Also there was a very uncomfortable sensation on my face. It was like someone had pulled the skin back together and it was tingling like I had pins and needles on my face.

My eyes opened and there was a figure above me. It took a moment for my eyes to readjust to the bright lighting that was behind the figure but then I realized who it was.

"Aw, jeez," I croaked. Or at least I tried to. It came out sounding more like um… like, "Ay, eez." Or whatever.

I coughed and groaned, trying to pull myself up. A cool hand on my shoulder stopped me.

"Don't even try it," warned Carlisle Cullen.

"Lord, give us a break," I groaned.

Now just in case you are wondering what I'm referring to, I'm referring to the fact that the vortex may get us out of trouble in the nick of time, but it always seemed to drop us where we least wanted to be.

Anya was beside me somewhere. I knew this because she said- probably in her sleep – "Gimli get outta my way…" *snore* (I think my arm is permanently bruised. Anya is now insisting that she doesn't snore.).

"What happened?" I asked him.

"In two words, you fell."

"Not the falling part. There was pain. Like really bad pain."

"You fell from the second story?" Carlisle offered having no idea where I was going.

"I can't feel my legs." Anya said, waking up.

I ignored Carlisle's warning and stood up.

It felt like I was standing on jello, or had just gotten of a really, really long plane ride. I began to waddle around, like a penguin, and Carlisle just watched me amused.

Abruptly Anya sprang up. I mean literally sprang. She flew off the table three feet into the air, and landed on her feet.

"WHERE'S THE BOOK!" she yelled.

We bolted downstairs.

There was Jasper, Emmett, and Alice, sitting in the living room.

With the dreaded book.

"Ah, they awake," Jasper said.

We ignored him and went over to Emmett who was examining the book. Thankfully, he hadn't opened it yet.

"Emmett, give us the book back," I demanded.

Emmett stared at me. "How do you know my name?"

"Don't ask stupid questions unless you want stupid answers, now give us the book!" I snapped.

Just then the front door opened, and Jasper edged for the kitchen entrance. In waltzed Edward and Bella their arms full of textbooks.

When Edward saw the devastation area he gasped and dropped the books on his foot.

Edward ran over to the broken piano. "!" He cried reaching towards it.

He looked at us. Since we were the only two in the room that he didn't know he suspected something. Apparently he read someone's mind because then he cried at us:

"WHY DID YOU KILL MY PIANO!"

At the same time Anya and I said, "Question mark…" I drew one in the air.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS MEANT TO ME!" he continued.

"Well," Anya began, "if you hum a few bars I can give it a shot."

Silence.

"Aw, c'mon," Anya said.

Alice finally seemed to see the scene in front of her and she got up and walked to the back of the table. At the time it seemed pretty random, but now I'm very thankful she did it.

Emmett was so busy looking at Edward, Anya was able to snatch the Book from him. "ADRIAN, CATCH!" she shouted.

I ran in a direction just as Anya threw it.

The pages flew apart as it spun through the air.

I ran into the table before I could catch the book.

Now I knew why Alice had gone to stand by the table. I toppled over it knocking it to the ground and breaking it through the middle. Alice's strong rock hard arms caught me and took all the breath I had and threw it out the door!

"NO!" Anya was screaming.

The Book landed on Edward's lap.

Edward looked down and read something off the page, "I do NOT smell like that!" Edward cried. He examined the page more closely. "Who's Legolas?" Edward asked.

"Ugh," I replied from Alice's hands. I was just a little dazed.

"Hmm," Jasper thought. "Isn't he that dwarf from Lord of the Rings?"

That woke me up.

Anya and I ran right up in Jasper's face.

"HE'S AN ELF!"

Jasper put his hands on our shoulders. "Calm down."

"ELF!" We cried, still red with anger.

"They're immune." He reported.

We continued to breathe fire at him.

He leaned back. "Their anger is giving off really bad vibes man," he said.

We spun around anger gone now paying attention to our stomachs which were both uncomfortably empty.

"Do you have any fruit bars?" Anya asked.

"Why would we have fruit bars?" Rosalie asked. I just now realized she was in the room.

"Yeah we're vamp-" Emmett began, but Alice punched him.

"Oh, don't worry we know you're vampires." I said. "And as to why you'd have fruit bars, well, you have to keep up the human charade."

We walked into the kitchen and looked into the pantry.

"FRUIT BARS!" Anya yelled.

We walked back into the living room stuffing our faces full of the yummy fruit filled granola bars.

Carlisle walked downstairs. "You bounce back fast," he said, noting the broken table.

"Yeah we tend to do that." I said.

The vortex opened up.

"Well hate to leave you vamps but that's our ride." Anya took the Book from Edward and walked through the portal.

I looked around.

"Sorry about the table."

And I was gone.


	4. Another Day, Another Forty Dollars

Chapter Three: Another Day, Another Forty Dollars

Alright so, so far Anya and I'd been every place that we'd talked about in the book. That much was clear. What wasn't clear was where we were going to land next. For all we knew, we could end up in the middle of Atlantis, or the center of the Earth!

"I'm still drawing a blank," I said.

"Well, duh! I mean we've been everywhere that we spoofed, or I guess we spoofed. I don't really think we can call it spoofing I mean we didn't make fun of the characters… okay we kinda did, but I don't think our kinda making fun fits under or qualifies as spoofing." Anya said.

I could tell that if I didn't stop her soon she'd go on rambling. "Anyway!" I interrupted. "Okay, maybe we should start running; I mean we're not going anywhere."

"What'll that do us?" Anya was giving me her special "you idiot" Look. I was on the receiving end of this one a lot.

"I dunno, but it's worth a shot. If we think of home hard enough we might even be able to go there." I suggested.

"What are we supposed to say? 'There's no place like home?' C'mon Adrian, we're far above that!" Anya protested.

"Do you have any better ideas? If so I'd love to hear them!"

Anya was silent.

"I thought so. Just think of school."

We began to run in place. The walls began to move faster even though it didn't feel like we were actually moving. The sensation was akin to running on a treadmill. Suddenly the vortex opened up while Anya and I were still running.

We sprinted out of the opening and hit the ground running. Literally! I tried to stop, but to make a long story short, too late. Anya and I crashed into the chain-link fence that surrounded the blacktop in our school.

"Another crash landing," she commented.

I moaned in reply and slid down the fence and onto the blacktop.

Above us was Kate (who was mentioned in chapter one and hasn't really been though of since) staring at Anya and I like we were a weird type of bug. Which some people would say was true, though Kate was not one of those people.

"Where'd you come from?" asked she.

"What do you mean where did we come from? We've been here all this time," Anya protested as I got up rubbing the cheek that Carlisle had had to stitch up.

"No you haven't," said Taryn (also mentioned in chapter one and whose existence was forgotten) who was skipping over to us. "You sorta disappeared this morning."

Just then two twenty dollar bills fluttered onto the asphalt in front of Anya and me. We picked them up, I mean come on, it's not every day you find forty dollars on the street.

"I wonder if Carlisle sent this…." Anya whispered in question.

"Did you just say Carlisle?" Taryn asked excitedly. "As in Carlisle Cullen?" Taryn, at the time, had a case of what we liked to call OCD, as in Obsessive Cullen Disorder (however she did have the regular OCD as well). I think most girls of our age did. Anya and I were spared this dreadful disease thankfully.

"No." Anya said at the same time I said "Um…"

Anya thought fast. "I said car isle."

"Yeah," I played along, "so we can get a remote for that remote control car!"

Kate narrowed her eyes, "Didn't we drive that thing off a cliff last year?"

"Yeah, but we got it back." Anya said.

"But wasn't it at the bottom of the ocean?" Kate inquired.

"Why did you throw it off the cliff in the first place?" Taryn interrupted.

I shrugged.

"Can I see what's in the book?" Kate asked, holding out a hand.

"NO!" we cried.

"Look it's the vort… I mean it's MORDOR!" I yelled, how I got that I have no idea.

Anya and I made a run for the now open vortex.

Kate stared after us shaking her head. "Well that was weird."

Mrs. Essick came up to them. "So girls what's happening?"

"You don't want to know…"


	5. Santa and Cliffs

Chapter Four: Santa and Cliffs

So now we were back in the vortex. After wanting to go home we ended up back where we didn't want to be. This was getting even more confusing.

"Whew! That was close!" I exclaimed.

"Uh-oh," commented Anya.

"What is it?"

"We're in the Vortex again."

"Aw, crap." I replied.

My sentence seemed to trigger something, because right then the Vortex opened up and unceremoniously dumped me and Anya out. I was kinda getting used to the sensation of free-falling. It was a little like one of those drop rides that you find in amusement parks, but you weren't buckled into anything and we had no idea where we were getting dropped, so for all we knew we could be falling to our imminent deaths.

…

Well that's not something I want to think about.

Thankfully, I landed on something soft. It wasn't soft like a big pile of feathers, but it wasn't as hard as a piano either, nor was it anything that could kill me. For that I was grateful. A little bruised, but grateful.

"HELP!" Anya cried.

What I'd landed in was snow…. Snow. Oh, no. This time we were probably stranded in the middle of Everest, or worse… Greenland. My pre-K teacher would come back to haunt me! (Before you laugh [like a certain friend named _Anya_ is doing. Damnit woman, you need to stop slapping me!], this is a very scary prospect. She was mean, liked to smack rulers on your desk or lock you in a closet when you misbehaved, and she had a mole on her upper lip. I take back the 'there wasn't anything that could kill me' comment.)

I sat up and noticed two feet, and an axe sticking up from the snow. A second later Gimli appeared.

"Great," I murmured through snow. LOTR, oh well, better than Greenland.

Gimli stared at me.

I stood up.

Gimli continued to stare. "You're a tall dwarf," he said at last. Huh?

"Legolas!" Anya cried in the background, apparently she found out where we had landed before I had. Perceptive. (Now she's grinning stupidly. I must've said something right.)

I, for my part, was staring, dumbfounded, at Gimli. Dwarf? What was he talking about?

It was then I became aware of the heaviness of my head and the freezing of my face. I reached up to feel my head and knocked off a smattering of snow. The freezing of my facial muscles could be amounted to the new snow beard I sported.

I WAS TURNED INTO SANTA CLAUSE! Minus the big round middle, and little tiny circle glasses, but still, the picture is the same: Gimli thought I was a dwarf because I had a snow beard. But the height was all wrong… oh, well.

I shook off the snow.

"Not you," Gimli said eyes widening.

I looked to my other side. Legolas was staring at me. I stared back. It was one of those awkward stares where you look at someone because you're just not quite sure what happened.

"LEGOLAS!" Anya cried. She was hanging over the edge of the cliff. Legolas ignored her. I was surprised that she'd managed to hang on that long.

Aragorn hurried picked Anya up off the edge of the cliff.

"Put me down Aragorn! I said Legolas! Or are you deaf, and nobody likes you either!" she screamed. That's gratitude for you folks.

Aragorn dropped her over the cliff again. Anya was once again hanging on for her life.

Frodo made a move to help her but she just sighed and said:

"Once again, NOBODY LIKES YOU!" Frodo backed off. "LEGOLAS GET YOUR ELFIN BUTT OVER HERE AND HELP ME OFF THIS DANG CLIFF!"

Okay, so screeched would be a better verb.

I was still staring at Legolas, who hadn't made a move to help her. He was too busy staring awkwardly at me.

"Um… Legolas, I think she needs some help…." I suggested.

"Huh? Oh, right." Legolas began to help Anya up.

"What took you so long?" Anya demanded.

Legolas didn't answer. "Aragorn, Frodo why didn't either of you help her?"

Aragorn looked at Legolas with an exasperated look. "What could I have done? Besides I did help her and she made me drop her back off the cliff! She wanted you to help her! And you where caught up in who knows what!"

Legolas turned accusingly to Frodo.

Frodo shrugged, "I'm a Hobbit. I'm too small anyhow."

Legolas sighed, "Gimli?"

Gimli huffed and said, "Why would I help the person who TRIPPED OVER ME!"

Finally he looked to me for an explanation. I just shrugged. "I'm a twelve year old geek with no life. What could I do?"

Anya brushed the snow off the butt of her jeans. She straightened up and looked at Gimli. "That's not my fault!" she protested. "You should have moved!"

I slapped my forehead.

Gandalf came back to all the commotion with Boromir, Merry, Pippin, and Sam. "What has kept you?"

"Anya fell over a cliff." I stated.

"You!" Gandalf cried. "Are you sure your not spies?"

"They're too crazy, and weird to be spies," Aragorn replied.

We glared at him.

"We're not weird we're DIFFERENT!" I shouted, though I personally thought being called weird was a definite compliment.

Legolas whispered over to Aragorn, "I wouldn't test these girls; they had the guts to say that Elrond was thinning."

Aragorn's mouth dropped and he got down onto one knee and he looked up at us and said, "You're my heroes."

"Don't get sentimental now Aragorn," Boromir commented.

"Why am I not freezing cold?" Anya asked suddenly. "For the sake of Edward Cullen it's snowing!"

My eyes narrowed in confusion as I took in my best friend's appearance. "Um… Anya… since when have you ever worn a cloak?"

"What?" Anya spun around to look at the cloak that now hung about her shoulders. It was a velvety green and inside it appeared to be insulated with bear fur. "OH! Hmm… the vortex must've given it to me. Hey, you've got one too!" she cried.

I looked at my own cloak. Mine was a burgundy velvet cloak with a hood. It had a golden dragon clasp that kept it on. It may have been simpler than Anya's but by God was it warm, and really cool. No contradiction intended; you know what I mean.

Frodo shivered in his measly wool cloak. "Shouldn't we be moving on?"

"Shut-up Frodo!" I snapped.

Aragorn looked at me quizzically, "What does 'shut-up' mean?"

I sighed completely annoyed.

"Aragorn, you and Frodo just don't grasp the concept of 'no one likes you' do you?" Anya inquired.

"And why dose no one like me?" Aragorn asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Elfish is a cool language," I said for the sake of distraction. We didn't need a catfight on our hands. (Honestly Anya STOP SLAPPING ME! I'm gonna kick you out of this room and without your supervision shall paint me an awesome hero and you the uncool sidekick!)

"What dose _that_ have to do with anything?" Gandalf asked.

Legolas said something in elfish. It sounded cool alright!

"What?" Anya and I asked in unison, having no idea how to understand elfish.

"I said 'I'm cold let's keep going!'"

"I nominate that!" Sam said and began to scramble through snow. The others followed him quickly and began to move slowly along the mountainside.

Anya looked at me. I shrugged. If we were here with cloaks that were toasty warm, then we had no choice but to go with them. Or, at least until the Vortex came to fetch us.

We caught up with Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli.

"Anyway," I said, "back to the matter at hand. Aragorn no one likes you because you-"

"-SAVE THE DAY TOO MUCH-"Anya continued.

"-LEGOLAS NEEDS A CHANCE TOO!" I finished.

Gimli stared at us open mouthed, "How do you do that?"

"We share brainwaves," Anya and I replied at the same exact time.

Merry and Pippen all of a sudden decided it was their time to intrude on the conversation. "US TOO!" they cried together.

Legolas said something else in elfish. Obviously Anya and I were wearing some kind of perplexed expression, because he translated himself for us. "I said elves get cold too now LETS KEEP GOING!"

I looked at Anya.

She was looking at me.

I shrugged.

And we pressed onward.


	6. Nice Shoes

_A/N: This chapter features amateur elfish, I apologies for any inaccuracies of the language, and cliche attaining of special talents and accessories. Don't say I didn't warn you. Also LOTR fans, I'm sorry but this pretty much marks the end of our adventures in this fandom. There was a reason I posted this under 'Twilight' and that is because we now spend most of our time in Forks, Washington. _

_Disclaimer: I wish I were rich enough to even entertain the idea that I'd created anything but this messed up version of events. I also don't own Newbalance sneakers, the worm from _The Labyrinth_, or anything else._

* * *

><p>Chapter Five: "Nice shoes…"<p>

I yawned. I had no idea how long we'd been walking, but to me it seemed like… well, not exactly forever, but a _really_ super duper long, long time.

Anya seemed to be nodding off to sleep herself. She was leaning heavily on Boromir without realizing it.

I looked around at everyone else.

Legolas seemed perfectly fine walking such distances, in freezing cold weather, in a matter of hours…as did Aragorn. Gimli was tripping over himself and looked like he was on his last nerve. I can't say that I blamed him. Frodo—who will be referred to as 'Him' from now on—was shivering worse than a Chihuahua. (Don't look at me like that Anya, I couldn't come up with a better description! Believe me Chihuahuas shake a _lot_!) Anyway, the other hobbits weren't much better off to be honest. Anya and I only looked so exhausted because, well, how would you feel if you'd been with these guys before, met vampires, and had to talk about why you just suddenly appeared out of no where without telling the truth and end up saying that the remote control car that just 'happened' to be driven off the side of a cliff and into the bottom of the ocean the previous year had been recovered somehow, then have forty dollars fly outta the sky, change 'vortex' to 'Mordor', get Elfin cloaks, been thrown off a cliff, get covered in snow and called a dwarf in the process, had to explain what crap means to a hobbit, get thrown everywhere by a vortex, have to slide on your knees to get into said Vortex, and face the wrath of a thinning elf! *takes deep breath* Not necessarily in that order. HOW WOULD YOU BE?

That being said I think I can continue….

We were walking. The same as we'd been for the past, oh, three or four hours, on the side of a mountain. I was tired and hungry, though I would never admit it, and I don't think Anya would either.

Just then Gimli saw fit to make a rather rude remark;

"You know we'd make faster progress if these GIRLS,"—he spat the word—"would move faster!"

My eyes narrowed, and Anya seemed to snap out of her nap—which had taken place on Aragorn—just to glare at him.

Exchanging a knowing glance with Anya, I leaned over and scooped a good-sized pack of snow and began squishing it together. Once I was sure I had a sufficient weapon I began the count…er up.

"One…two…"

"THREE!" Anya cried the end, and we chucked our snowballs at Gimli's face.

HOME RUN! BULL'S-EYE!

Gimli sputtered, "Wha-! How dare you!" He scooped up some snow, but didn't pack it into a ball.

Anya and I watched as he humiliated himself by throwing handful after handful of unpacked snow, and watched his dumbfounded expression as it was blown away, or back into his own face, by the wind. He was rather comical.

Legolas apparently hearing Gimli's, er…inappropriate curses, turned around.

This time Gimli had managed to figure out how to make a snowball, but when he threw it, it smacked Legolas in the face. He had terrible aim.

Legolas cleared the snow from his eyes. "What are you doing?" he asked in elfish from upfront.

"WHAT?" Anya and I asked in synchronization.

"I said-" he began but his voice was drowned out by a gust of wind.

The wind stirred up a whirlwind of flurries that fell lightly back to the ground.

"WHAT?" I yelled.

This time Legolas wasn't even able to answer because of the wind. It howled up the mountainside without pause.

"C'mon!" Anya called to me. "Let's go up with him so that we can hear what he's saying!" I nodded and followed her to the front of the Fellowship.

As we were walking I noticed something…my shoes weren't sopping wet from the snow. It was strange also because well, I didn't feel the snow biting my ankles anymore. It was strange, I had been sure that my socks were sopping wet a minute ago. I chalked it up to the fact that the snow must've finally numbed my feet.

When we were about three yards away Legolas shouted at us, trying to repeat his sentence. The wind had died some so I figured I'd have no trouble understanding him. "I SAID—!" he stopped midsentence.

"What?" Anya asked, referring to the fact that he stopped in the middle of his words.

Legolas's eye's narrowed, and his mouth opened as he struggled for the right words. "Erm," he finally managed, "nice shoes."

"Huh?" we asked.

"You have, uh, Elfin shoes on."

Both Anya and I looked down at our feet.

He was right. My poor frozen feet were no longer wearing my Newbalance sneakers; instead they were wrapped up in some soft brown leather/felt material that worked as snowshoes and helped me walk on top of the snow.

"Oh!" I exclaimed in realization.

Anya sighed, "Well that would explain why we were walking on _top _of the snow, and not wading through it."

I laughed, happy with the realization that my feet wouldn't have to be chopped off when I returned home. Now if I only had some other cool elfish gear, then my day would be made. No sooner had I thought that then…

"Why did my sweats just get even comfier all of a sudden?" I asked aloud not really expecting an answer. After all, they didn't know what 'crap' meant, they wouldn't know what sweatpants were.

Legolas took a deep breath. "Umm…nice Elfin clothes."

My eyes fell upon my clothes.

Over a plain wool shirt was a loose blood red tunic held to my waist with a belt, sword attached to a harness. Rather than my ratty sweatpants, my legs were now clad in coal black leggings. To complete my full elfish ensemble, there was a white wooden bow in my hand and a quiver full of arrows on slung on my back.

"_Sweet_!" I cried. "This is so cool!"

Sam looked at me quizzically, "It's snowing…"

Anya rolled her eyes, "It's been snowing all day long." She had on the same clothes I had except that they were different shades of green and her leggings were navy blue. Her bow was made of a rich mahogany.

"What's with the bow and arrows?" To be honest I didn't really care. I was _totally_ not complaining. My parents wouldn't even let me get _replicas_ of dangerous weapons like these let alone the real things.

"Elfin," Legolas confirmed.

I unsheathed my sword as did Anya.

"The swords must be elfin too." She assumed.

"Why can I read the swirly stuff written here on the blade?" I squinted at the glinting metal, trying not to shine the reflection of the snow in my eyes. "It's my name!" I cried in sudden realization. Sure enough there on the flat of the blade my name was engraved: Arwen Adrian Naur; loosely translated means Lady Adrian Fire.

Anya was reading her own blade it said: Arwen Anya Arda. Translation: Lady Anya Earth.

"Fire?" Legolas said. "Earth? That's a whole lot better than mine!" Legolas pulled out one of his long knives. It said: Legolas Calen Lasse. Translation: Legolas Green Leaf.

Gandalf smiled; now that he was convinced that we weren't Mordorian(?) spies he liked us quite a bit. "Well then Lady Fire-" he nodded at me "-and Lady Earth-" he nodded at Anya "-let us lead the way."

"Lady Fire," I mused, "I like it."

Anya laughed. "So where was that conversation going anyhow?" She asked.

"Nowhere," Legolas said in Elfish.

I blinked. "Did you just say something?"

Legolas nodded. Then thinking I hadn't understood he sighed. "Anya asked where the conversation was going and I answered 'nowhere'." He explained.

"I know what you said, but that's why I'm asking. _I knew what you said_. Didn't you say it in Elfish?" I asked.

"Yes and?" he was confused.

I raised my eyebrows at him.

"Oh!" he exclaimed. "Wait! You understood me? You can understand elfish?"

"I don't know…" I admitted. It was a little far fetched, but then again my ride was a magical pink and black vortex. "Anya could you understand it?" I asked her.

Her jaw had proverbially unhinged. She was staring at Legolas like he had just grown three heads, stripped naked, and started doing the chicken dance. Okay, mental images…moving on…

"I'll take that as a 'yes'. Uma," I translated into elfish.

Anya snapped her maw shut and glanced at the sky. "Hmm…storms getting pretty bad."

"We need to decide weather we'll be going through Moria or not," Gandalf declared.

"NOT MORIA!" Legolas screamed.

"I say we go onto Moria, it is the best way," Gimli voted.

Anya shook her head, "No it's not…" she sang to me under her breath.

"Heheh." I threw my hand into the air, index finger extended. "LET THE RING BEARER DECIDE!"

"That was my line," Gandalf moped clearly put out.

I yawned unconcerned. Then an embarrassing thing happened, my stomach growled.

I grinned a little sheepishly as Anya laughed.

"You don't happen to have any Lembas bread do you?" I asked thinking of my hunger. When was the last time I ate anyway? I guess it wasn't surprising that I hadn't really thought about food, a lot of things had been going on. But I unfortunately, eat like a Hobbit. I'm perpetually hungry and have about four stomachs.

At the mention of Lembas bread Legolas sighed dreamily. "I love Lembas bread."

"Yes…well, ON TO MORIA!" Gimli declared.

"I thought we were gonna let Him decided?" I asked.

"Who's Him?" asked Him.

"You." I answered.

"Who?" he asked.

"You."

"Him?" Legolas questioned.

"Him." I answered.

"Her?" Pippin asked.

"No, Him." I pointed to Him.

"Him?" Boromir said.

"Yes."

"Him?" Aragorn asked jerking his head at Sam.

"No."

"Her?"

"Him!"

"Who?

"HIM!"

"Who?" asked Merry.

"HIM!"

"And Him is…"

"HIM!"

"Who?"

"FRODO!"

That was unnecessary. Merry probably just wanted to make me say Him's name. Well it did work, unfortunately.

"We'll go through Moria." Him said.

"Good." Gimli approved.

We started the trek to Moria. I don't know whether I was looking forward to it or not. On the upside, we'd get out of the snow; on the downside we'd be headed straight into the clutches of a Balrog. The pros and cons were equal on the scale.

I trailed behind Anya who was talking animatedly with Legolas. She was super excited she could talk to him in his native language, and she was all hyped up from her nap earlier. I couldn't make out what they were talking about as the wind was still howling so freaking loudly, but that worked out to my advantage, for I noticed something odd about my friend's ears.

I jogged up to the two of them. "Why are your ears pointed?"

"Because I'm an elf," Legolas answered from beside her.

"Not you, Anya!"

Anya blinked and nervously reached up to feel the tips of her ears. "They are! Oh my God!" She pointed at me. "And yours are too. Holy crap! We must be like, freaky half-breeds or something!"

"Nice," I commented.

Just then the worm from this really strange, yet really good movie, Labyrinth dropped from the sky.

"Allow!" it said.

Anya and I turned to look at it.

"Did you just say 'hello'?" we asked together.

Then all of us said at the same time, "No I said 'allow', but that's close enough!"

Worm disappeared,

"What was that all about?" Legolas asked.

"The Labyrinth," we answered still together.

"Huh?" Him asked.

"Never mind!" I said. I didn't want to deal with Him anymore.

We began to walk a bit. Again.

I yawned. I was extremely sleepy, all this walking was taking a toll on my exercise deprived body. This was probably the most physical activity I'd gotten in a while. _Maybe I'll just close my eyes a bit…_

-:-

The next thing I knew was that I was plunged into something very cold,…and very wet.

Snow.

Anya was looking down at me her eyes sparkling with amusement. "And that's how you put out the fire!" She laughed. "I bet you wish you had some Lembas bread to keep up you're energy, huh Lady Fire?"

Legolas sighed dreamily, "I love Lembas bread…"

"Yeah we know…we know…." I sighed getting up out of the snow.

"Er…" said Him.

Gandalf sighed himself. "Awkward silence…awkward silence…."

"Hey!" Anya shouted. "That's m-"

"Our-" I cut in.

"LINE!" said both of us.

Anya leaned back on the mountain face eyelids drooping.

"Uhh…" Boromir look questioningly at her, obviously wondering where her previous energy had gone.

"Lady Naur," Aragorn whispered to me. "Lady Arda is about to fall asleep…"

I threw snow in Anya's face.

"Ah!" she cried when it hit her. "Sorry." She said when she realized what she'd done. "I want some Lembas bread."

"I love Lembas bread," Legolas sighed dreamily.

"That's _it_! I can't _take it anymore_!" Pippin shouted.

Merry began to dig determinedly through everyone's bags, until he found what he was looking for. A piece of five year old Lembas bread. "Here!" Merry cried and tossed half to Pippin.

They each chunked their pieces at Legolas cutting his forehead because the bread was hard as rock.

Legolas picked up the five year old piece of Lembas bread and sobbed, "Lembas! Why have you betrayed me?" He took a bite.

"Again…yes, well, TO MORIA!" Gimli announced.

We began to walk…

-:-

"I never want to walk AGAIN!" I complained and dropped on a rock standing nearby. The perfect chair in such situations.

Anya didn't even bother to find a rock. She tripped and fell face forward onto the ground. She didn't move for another ten minutes.

Gandalf approached the doors to Moria. He cracked his fingers. "Just sit back and wait a moment," he told us, "I'll have these doors open in no time!"

Three Hours Later…

"HOW DO YOU GET THESE DOORS OPEN!" Gandalf cried throwing down his staff in frustration.

Anya had been up from her second nap an hour already, while I had just woken up by his shouting, tumbling ungracefully from my perch on my rock chair.

I shook my head to clear the grogginess from it. Taking in the scene around me I recognized it from the movie. I looked at Anya trying to convey the message that we'd already screwed with things enough and that giving them the password wouldn't change anything. It had already been three hours who knew how much longer we could be stuck there.

She nodded, "Let's just get it over with."

"Mellon," we said lazily. Translation: Friend.

Gandalf's mouth dropped to his chin.

There was that familiar 'crack' of air displacement, and Anya and I turned around. There was the Vortex sitting there wide open for us.

"Can we keep the elf stuff?" Anya asked as she approached the Vortex.

She took Legolas' "Uhh…" for an answer of 'yes'.

"WAIT!" Legolas shouted after her. "WHAT'S THIS PAPER THING!"

Gandalf took one of the twenty dollar bills that had fallen from the vortex, "It looks evil."

Sam pursed his lips, jumped up, and snatched the bill from Gandalf. He took a bite. "Tastes good though."

Pippin snatched it from Sam and took his own bite, "Yum…" *burp*

I slapped my forehead. "Oh, for the _love_ of _all_ that is _holy_!" And I walked through the Vortex.

Anya's head popped out of the Vortex. "Give me THAT!" she cried and snatched the bill from Sam who had taken it from Pippin and was trying to take another bite.


End file.
